One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk