How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.