she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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