Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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