i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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