After last night, I could never be a politician.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We got so high we made milksteak
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We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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