It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
