The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?