I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.