So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.