I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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