i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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