I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
