I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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