Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
