Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(847): the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker. http://tfl.nu/4drl

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah, i think she was German or something.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.

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(405): Yeah, i think she was German or something. (1-405): No dude, she's just got a speech impediment. http://tfl.nu/y6oj

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(517): View more from Michigan

I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.

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(517): I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house. http://tfl.nu/y6v5

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(718): View more from New York

I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.

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(718): I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide. http://tfl.nu/8m3e

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(630): my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise. http://tfl.nu/s84e

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(717): Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision. http://tfl.nu/qwmb

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(610): so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried. http://tfl.nu/cyhc

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(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

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(239): i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass http://tfl.nu/a9ff

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(316): View more from Kansas

He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.

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(316): He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed. http://tfl.nu/yb8r

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!

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(724): If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF! http://tfl.nu/xzr6

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(630): View more from Illinois

they sound like some classy girls.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.

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(630): they sound like some classy girls. (1-630): Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting. http://tfl.nu/azgf

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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(304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale http://tfl.nu/3k6s

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.

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(225): I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with. http://tfl.nu/2qkg

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.

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(208): I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko. http://tfl.nu/cj6v

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