Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
