everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
