Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
