I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
