The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
