wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
