did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
