My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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