Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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