Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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