nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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