I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
