It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
