you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did