i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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