you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
my poor anus
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
