I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.