I looked at my own cervix.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"