you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I love you. Go after that dick
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
