If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
