So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize