Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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