There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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