oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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