I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
