U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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