How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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