woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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