wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
