when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.