"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When are your genitals available?