listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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