You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
