we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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