I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.