I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost