I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
