he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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